EPISODE 3 (August 6-12th): RIDER STRONG

Welcome to the Week Sauce! Show. This week’s guest is actor/writer Rider Strong.

MONOLOGUE!

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Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney chose Wisconsin representative Paul Ryan as his running mate on Saturday.
Tragedy struck, however, when New Jersey Governor Chris Christie was told he wasn’t the pick, and he binge-ate Newark.

It has been reported that one of Vice-Presidential hopeful Paul Ryan’s early jobs was driving the famous Oscar-Meyer Wienermobile.
Insiders are calling Ryan’s work experience, “The second most embarrassing campaign he’s been part of.”

The Miami Dolphins released WR Chad Johnson (formerly Ochocinco) after a domestic violence arrest late Saturday.
Rumors are already abound that Chad will change his name to Chad SeisNueve in honor of his cellmate’s favorite sexual position.

Papa John’s Pizza claimed this week that the implementation of Obamacare will increase the price of their pizzas by a range of 11-14 cents.
So I guess we can say that Obamacare is already working.

The Spice Girls reunited to perform at the Closing Ceremony of the London Olympics on Sunday.
The Spice Girls’ triumphant hometown reunion has already inspired rumors that at the 2014 Winter Olympics in Sochi, Russia, Lenin and Stalin will reunite as figure skating partners.

The United States led the Olympic Games with 46 gold medals, followed by China with 38, and Great Britain with 29.
Unfortunately, each American gold medal will be melted down by “Cash4Gold” and sent to China to pay back debts.

A Turkish newspaper columnist published an article arguing that the Olympics have distorted women’s bodies and that extra points should be awarded to athletes based on how feminine they look.
According to the scoring scale, male figure skaters are expected to sweep every event at the upcoming Winter Olympics.

The ever-popular “Shark Week,” which is celebrating its 25th anniversary, premiered Sunday on the Discovery Channel.
Meanwhile, sea cucumbers around the world swore to protest the lack of “Sea Cucumber Week” on the Discovery Channel by not watching Shark Week.

A Pennsylvania man accidentally “butt-dialed” 911 during a conversation with his drug dealer on Wednesday and now faces multiple drug-related charges.
And so, kids, when you’re going to buy a bunch of drugs from someone named “Doug” in the front seat of a Mazda Roadster, remember to keep your phone locked and in your front pocket.

Jennifer Aniston and her boyfriend, actor/writer Justin Theroux, got engaged on Sunday.
Meanwhile, Brad Pitt reads Us Weekly, tries to pronounce “Theroux,” loses interest, and heads for the fuck room.

PROPHECY CORNER! with Ryan Walls

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Why are we here? Where are we going? Has anyone heard from Keith? Have you met his new girlfriend? Ugh, I know, right? Life is full of questions, but that doesn’t mean you have to be a victim to the uncertainties of the universe. Each week right here at the Prophecy Corner, we’ll help you prepare for the best and the worst with a prediction of what’s to come in the week ahead.

This week’s prediction:

AFTER REALIZING SHE IS NOT EMPLOYED BY PANDA EXPRESS, NOR BOUND BY THEIR RULES…

LINDSAY LOHAN, ON FRIDAY, WILL SUCCUMB TO AN AGGRESSIVE FORM OF HEPATITIS A.

Ryan Walls holds a Bachelors in Conjuring and is three credits short of a minor in Physical Education from Sheridan’s Torch Community College

TOP 5 SENATOR CHUCK GRASSLEY (R-IA) TWEETS OF THE (LAST FEW) WEEK(S)

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Senator Grassley

The Week Sauce! Show believes that Senator Chuck Grassley (R-IA) deserves a measure of respect for being the only politician the we’re aware of whose Twitter account (@ChuckGrassley) isn’t controlled by a tech-savvy recent college graduate. Unfortunately for the 79 year-old senator – and fortunately for basically everyone else – this often results in entertainingly unintelligible ramblings intended to be profound political declarations.

Here now are the top five Senator Grassley tweets of the (last few) week(s), with WSS analysis/interpretation. These are all real.

NUMBER 5!

Reid plays jimmy steward mr smith goes Washington saying Romney not pay taxes 10yrsmore like Steward listening to Harvey the Rabbit

— ChuckGrassley (@ChuckGrassley) August 7, 2012

WEEK SAUCE! SHOW ANALYSIS: Senator Grassley seems to be accusing senator Harry Reid (D-NV) of imitating Jimmy Stewart (not ‘Steward,’ which he types twice in the tweet) in the 1939 film, “Mr. Smith Goes to Washington,” a reference no doubt carefully chosen to appeal to your average 2012 Twitter user. The rest of the tweet seems to be referencing Mitt Romney’s tax-disclosure issues, but Mr. Grassley’s peculiar prejudice against prepositions or punctuation prevents the WSS from drawing any real conclusions.

NUMBER 4!

A good place to eat is Noodle Zoo inDsm dwntwn by Captlbldg I just 8 there.

— ChuckGrassley (@ChuckGrassley) August 3, 2012

WEEK SAUCE! SHOW ANALYSIS: No real analysis needed here on the message itself – it’s clear that Senator Grassley just means to endorse the Noodle Zoo in (we believe) downtown Des Moines by the capital building. What remains questionable, however, is why he insists on shortening certain words (Dsm, dwntwn, Captbldg, 8) that don’t need to be shortened to convey the tweet in the normal 140 characters. In other words, he could have written “A good place to eat is Noodle Zoo in downtown Des Moines by the capital building. I just ate there.” and still had 41 characters left to talk about their delicious lo mein or something. Further Week Sauce! Show analysis reveals that this is a common issue for the senator.

NUMBER 3!

Congrats to GabbyDouglas for GOLD in g ymnastics.She a VirginianBut she came to Iowa to live to train. I bleve like Shawn johnson

— ChuckGrassley (@ChuckGrassley) August 2, 2012

WEEK SAUCE! SHOW ANALYSIS: Hard to fault the senator’s nationalistic pride with this tweet, as after all, we were all captivated by Gabby Douglas. But it certainly appears like the senator’s space bar key wasn’t properly working on August 2nd, doesn’t it? What we’re saying is that it would be tough to show this tweet to someone and not have that person assume it was written by someone about to fail his “English as a Second Language” class at SUNY Oswego.

NUMBER 2!

I will eat more meat on Monday to compensate for stupid USDA recommendationabt a meatless Monday

— ChuckGrassley (@ChuckGrassley) July 25, 2012

WEEK SAUCE! SHOW ANALYSIS: The Week Sauce! Show admires your political resolve, senator, but this news probably isn’t music to the ears of your doctor. Still, we liked how you called the United States Department of Agriculture “stupid.”

And, the NUMBER 1 Chuck Grassley tweet of the (last few) week(s)…

@chuckgrassley u

— ChuckGrassley (@ChuckGrassley) August 7, 2012

WEEK SAUCE! SHOW ANALYSIS: This one is potentially an all-timer: Senator Grassley managed to tweet at himself, going full-fledged Tyler Durden on us. It’s one thing (kind of) to accidentally reply to one of your own tweets with only the letter “u.” It’s another thing to not go back and delete it afterwards. Say what you will about the senator, but you can’t accuse him of being a man without conviction.

GETTIN’ SAUCED! with Rider Strong

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This week’s guest on the Week Sauce! Show is actor/writer Rider Strong.

Week Sauce! Show: Which do you feel more personally responsible for: escorting millions of girls through puberty or the Shawn Hunter haircut?

Rider Strong: I can’t take credit for the hair. Right before I got cast on the show I was still at that age when you’d go to a sleepover and there would be both girls and boys. The girls at the party styled my horrendous head of hair by parting it down the middle and straightening it.

 

I let them, because, let’s face it, this meant a group of girls were touching me. I trusted them. I should’ve known better. By the time the show was in its second season, I hated that hair so much. But by then, the producers wouldn’t let me cut it. Seriously. I would ask, and they would hold meetings and say, “No.” The really annoying habit of running my hands through my hair had become “a thing.” If I catch myself doing it these days, I shudder.

 

But back to your question. By default? You’re welcome, ladies.

WSS: William Daniels (Mr. Feeny): Great actor? Or the GREATEST actor?
RS: The bestest. I wish I had been old enough to appreciate working with him more.

WSS: The question that has been on everyone’s minds: Do you still talk to Minkus?

RS: No. But Lee’s been on One Tree Hill for like, a thousand years, and we’ve had mutual acquaintances through that.

 

WSS: You made a popular campaign video supporting Barack Obama in the 2008 election.  What do you have up your sleeve for this election?

RS: Surprise, I’m a Tea Party supporter, now! Kidding. Wow, am I kidding. No, nothing. I would love to do more for the campaign, but honestly…they haven’t asked. I’m waiting.

 

WSS: If you had a Ben & Jerry’s ice cream flavor dedicated to you, what ingredients would it contain?

RS: Coffee, Whiskey, Cheerios. These are my comfort foods. And so it would be called, Easy Rider.

WSS: If you could give a shout-out to all of your fans all over the world, but due to pressing circumstances you had to limit that shout-out to one word, what would you say?
RS: Man, I don’t even need a word. (Runs hands through hair).

WSS: What three things keep you busiest these days?
RS: Writing. Gearing up to direct my first feature with my brother. Doing interviews to answer the question “Where are they now?” for the millionth time. I’m here, guys, I’m. Right. Here.

Do you want to hear more about my hair?

 

As always, thanks for tuning in. This week is a fitting video send-off: The tearjerking final scene of “Boy Meets World.” See you next week! And in the words of George Feeny, “We love you all.”

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